The Scars Of Scabbers
by Dookaller
Summary: Ron always acted indifferent towards Scabbers in front of his friends. But he was always there, of course he was attached. Honestly, Ron lost a friend that fateful day beneath the Womping Willow. But maybe not entirely. Could Ron really be receiving letters from his former rodent companion? RonXScabbers
1. Dear Ronald

Dear Ronald,

I don't even really know how to begin. I can't imagine what I must have done to your psyche. I'm sure you hate me with a passion and that's ok. That's understandable. I know you don't want to hear from me and yet... I have this nagging desire to contact you. You see, the thing is, in all honesty, I miss you. I miss you stroking my fur and whispering that you wouldn't let Crookshanks get me. I miss you patting your pocket, just to make sure I was still there. I miss our talks, even if I never replied, and you doubted I was really listening. I was listening Ron. I heard every word.

I considered writing you sooner, but not only did I not want certain people around me to notice, but I didn't think it was a good idea to send an owl directly to your home over the summer. This owl will go unnoticed amongst the others always flitting around the school. It's warm there now hm? It's very cold here. I'm somewhere green. Can't say where of course, but well, the smell reminds me of home. I mean, I guess not my home. Your home. It reminds me of your home. It's a nice comfort, in light of where I actually am. My stomach is churning in fear. I've always been easily scared… You know that though.

Oh, I have to end this letter quickly. I'm sorry. I hope receiving this isn't too much of an upset. I'm sorry.

_~P-_

**~ Scabbers**


	2. Your Owl Won't Leave

Pettigrew,

I'm only replying because your owl won't leave, and I assume it's because it wants something to take along with it… I don't really know how to begin either. With my hatred? Or my mortification? Who do you think you are? Writing me like we had some sort of relationship. You realize you were pretending to be a young boy's rat? Do you hear how that sounds? Bloody hell man, did you think I'd be happy to hear from you like a 5 year old who thinks they can actually get a card from an animal but it's really from their Mummy? What's wrong with you? I mean, I said things to you… awful things. Finding out my rat is really an evil untrustworthy old man is like finding out someone's been reading your private journals, but worse. And of course I'm not allowed to show any personal difficulty, since I have it so much better than Harry. It's true I do, it's just weird when you feel like you can't fully express yourself because people will think you're being ungrateful.

You know my stomach is churning too. In fact I feel down right ill. Just the thought of you makes me feel that way. But more than that, the thought of the things I said to my rat, really having been said to you. I might just be sick on this letter. I suppose I should send it before I get the chance.

- Ron


	3. I Know You Hate Me

Dear Ronald,

I know you hate me. You don't have to tell me. Believe me I know. I suppose I shouldn't be writing you. You've made it clear you don't want to hear from me, but I just want to tell you I understand feeling like you can't express yourself to anyone around you. You used to tell your problems to me, or well Scabbers I mean, and if that was any comfort, then I'm so sorry I took that away from you. I enjoyed listening to what you had to say, and you don't have to be embarrassed. I know it doesn't change the shock you received, or the disgust you feel for me, but you don't have to feel self-conscious. I would never tell anyone the things you said. In fact, I cherish them. I would never want anyone to know… Those moments are mine. I've never had anyone in my life like you were to me. You're a special young man.

I can't remember if I had anything written after that. See this is the second time I've written this letter. The first time I threw it into the fire for fear someone would see it. I might have been a bit paranoid. I could've just hid it behind my back I guess. I hope things are well with you, I mean otherwise. Classes and such things.

Alright, I have to go, I'm having some issues with this cat and, well it's a long story.

~Scabbers


	4. The Triwizard Tournament

Pettigrew,

I wouldn't say I hate you… It's not worth it to put the effort in to hating people anymore. I have so many other things to do, and think about. Passions to seek, homework to do.

The Triwizard Tournament is being hosted at Hogwarts this year, and I'm considering entering. We're also going to meet all these people from other schools, and well I have a lot on my mind.

I'd be a liar if I told you I found no solace in you saying you won't tell anyone the things I've said, and don't judge me for them, but I don't think there's any wizard who wouldn't continue to be embarrassed. You know things about me, not even Harry does. Not even my parents. What am I supposed to do? Just compartmentalize? Pretend you're different entities, and that you don't remember the things I said or the things we did? The time we spent together? So much of my childhood was spent playing with Scabbers. I knew he was old for a rat. We should've known something was wrong. 12 years? But I wanted to think you were sticking around for me. That my rat just wasn't ready to go yet, that we hadn't spent enough time together…

To be honest I don't think throwing a letter in the fire is overly paranoid. Not in the wizarding world, where someone might just summon the parchment up from behind your back… Amongst mixed company someone might… someone might do something drastic over a few nostalgic words.

Divination is starting, so I'll end this here. Um, hope you handled that cat or whatever.

-Ron


	5. Do Not Enter

Dear Ronald,

I know you meant I wasn't worth it to hate, but reading that you don't necessarily hate me felt like putting down a very heavy school bag for the first time all day. I'm glad that you're not focusing on having enemies, because there is so much more to life.

Now, I know you have no reason to listen to me, but I have to ask you, please Ronald, please don't enter the Tournament. I repeat, DO NOT ENTER. That competition is extremely dangerous. It's not worth it. The glory it creates is fleeting but the scars it leaves are permanent.

And Ron, I _was_ sticking around for you. My original plan had been to travel from family to family, pet store to pet store, so no one would notice how long I was living and possibly end up with a muggle family, so that I could then integrate into muggle society as human… But something was keeping me with the Weasleys, and I realized early on that it was NOT Percy. Not even now, was I ready to go. Not even now, did I feel like we'd spent enough time together. And yet part of me felt constantly pushed away. Sometimes it felt like you were waiting for me to die. You wanted an owl after all. I was just an ugly old hand me down pet. _Percy's _old rat.

Would you be happy? Would you be happy if you found out they killed me? Over a letter? Well they probably wouldn't do it without The Dark Lord's Permission. But yes, it could be very bad for me if anyone found out I was writing guilt ridden letters to my former unwitting harborer. Speaking of, I've got to get back to work on something, I should go before someone comes looking. I wish you well.

~Scabbers

P.S. You're taking Divination again? I thought you hated that class.


	6. You Get What You Want

Peter,

Well I suppose you get what you want anyway. I can't figure a way to enter. See there's an age restriction. You have to be 17. Fred and George are trying to think of ways around it, but Dumbledore made the magical restrictions so it's probably not going to happen. I guess I just wanted to have something to be appreciated for since, I don't really _do _much. I mean sometimes I feel like I play second fiddle to _Harry Potter_. Don't get me wrong, he's my best friend, but well, being his friend can be exhausting. It was never really very hard to be yo- friends with Scabbers. He just needed food and water. And he listened to everything I had to say like what I had to say mattered… I miss him.

I would NEVER rejoice over the death of anyone… except maybe Voldemort. I wouldn't be glad they murdered you, or pleased that it was somehow partly my doing. That's not who I am, that's not the kind of person I want to be… Even if I act sorta harsh amongst friends, you know how I really am…

Shoot, I should head back to the common room, I'm in the owlery. It just seems better to come down here cause no one is in my business you know? And then I can give the letter strait to your owl. But I've been gone awhile. I kinda like to think out here too… Oh yeah, and yeah I'm taking Divination again cause at least I know how it works already. Um so I hope it's not too cold where you are and stuff.

-Ron


	7. I'm Furry Remember?

Dear Ronald,

Sorry it's taken me a bit to write you back. How have you been? There are ways around an age restriction… but I'm glad you seem to have given up. You wouldn't want to get into trouble with Dumbledore anyway.

I think you do lots of interesting things Ron. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and your personal safety. Especially when nothing's at stake, it's just dumb to break rules and to lie and cheat, just for the chance to be in danger. Some might even say it's disrespectful to those who work hard to keep you safe, especially if you've ever had a near death experience. People could say it's like you're gambling with a life you almost didn't get to have. But I don't know about all that.

I completely understand the people you're loyal to, being exhausting. Trust me, I get it. But you were always easy for me too. Then again you didn't expect much from me, being a rat and all. Licking your cheek was the ultimate condolence and or consolation. Sometimes I wish I'd done more, been able to do more. God I miss you. I think of you every day. I just want to be in your pocket again. Just sitting on your shoulder in the dark. I don't like it here Ron. I don't like what I've become. I just want to be back at the burrow with you.

It gets colder here everyday my boy, but it's ok… I'm furry remember? I really hope you're doing better than I am, and I hope to hear from you again.

~Scabbers


	8. Just A Rat

Peter,

It's ok you took time to respond since its obviously taken me awhile. A lot's been happening. You know, I completely agree with you, it is stupid to lie and break rules for this idiotic contest. Harry is a Triwizard champion and he won't tell me how he got his name in the goblet of fire! What a git! I'm his best friend, he could've told me. Did he not want me to enter? I mean, you're totally right, he IS being disrespectful. Like ungrateful for the people who've protected him.

I feel odd, I wish you were here. You'd be sitting on my shoulder, I'd tell you my problems and you'd sniff inside my ear. Ugh, that's a foolish thought for me to have… Do you remember that time, when I was little, Percy let me take you out into the garden and you wriggled out of my hands and scurried away? And Percy said you were impossible to catch, and that you were never coming back because you were just a rat and didn't care about us. And I sat down in the garden and cried because it was my fault. And then suddenly I felt something crawling into my lap. I lifted you up to look you in the eyes and you stretched out your neck to lick my face because my tears were salty. I can't believe that was even you… It doesn't make sense…

Ugh, I'm being sickeningly mawkish. I should just, I should just go to bed. Everyone else has been asleep for a few hours. I waited for the other Gryffindors to go to sleep and am writing to the light of my wand. I should get some sleep. I have a test in potions tomorrow. I hope you're better than in your last letter.

-Ron


	9. I Think About It Too

Dear Ronald,

Oh Harry's a Champion? Gee, well I wonder how he managed that huh? Well to be completely honest I never thought it a good idea for you to be so attached to Harry. Maybe this is for the best, what with Harry's knack for putting himself in danger's wake. You should really just focus on school for a while. How are you doing in your classes? Did you do ok on your potions test? Not having problems with Snape are you? And Moody, are you liking his class, he's treating you alright?

I do remember that day in the garden… You know, I didn't plan on coming back. The youngest boy of the family lost the rat in that garden, not hard to believe, who would question it? Ah, but I always had this odd trouble with seeing you upset. I don't think it's foolish to think about. I think about it too. I don't think it's sickening either; sentimental yes, sickening no. No my dear boy, what's ill-making is that I may never _hear_ you reminisce.

Very little makes sense to me anymore, you start to get used to it. Listen, I appreciate you writing, and I understand your need to be alone, just as I do when writing, but do me a favor, and don't lose sleep over me okay? You need your rest.

I am feeling better, but I always feel better for a little while after receiving a letter from you.

I hear someone coming… I have to go, I have to go make sure it's not an trespasser. I wish you well.

~Scabbers

_**-**This story may go on hiatus for a few days at some point during this week because I have to finish a costume for something and have trouble thinking of little else. Thanks so much for everyone who's been coming along with me through this tale. I appreciate ever gesture._


	10. He's Friendly

Dear Peter,

Focus on school, yeah you sound like my mum. Or Hermione. Maybe it_ is_ for the best though. I did okay on my test, potions is fine, but how did you know Professor Moody was teaching at Hogwarts this year? I never mentioned it. He's alright, a little scary sometimes to be honest, but it's nice that he's taking us seriously, like not sheltering us like we're 7 or something as some teachers would.

Hey, what's your owl's name? He's friendly. He seems to like eating worms though… Sometimes I just sit up here with him. There's not as much going on for me, what with Hermione helping Harry prepare for the tournament. So I haven't always got much else to do. I like sitting with him though… He… He kinda reminds me of you. He's calm, maybe even a little lazy, but nothing like my stupid little feathery git. Don't get me wrong, I like Pigwidgeon, (that's the name of my new owl) but he's very hyper, and over eager, and I wouldn't call him much of a listener. He's like a kid, more than a friend. Well I guess, I don't know… he's just an owl.

About me staying up, it doesn't bother me, I sleep better if I stay up later. I have been kinda tired lately, but I don't think it's from lack of sleep. If anything it's from lack of good sleep.

It's like, it just feels like sleep has been wonky lately, like I toss and turn, and it gets hot and then it gets cold and I slip into this place where it's like I'm awake, but I'm asleep and my blankets have come alive and are trying to strangle me, and people keep whispering about tangerines and asking me where the forks are… Do you know the kind of sleep I'm talking about? No, you probably don't. I'm just weird.

But anyway, even though I sleep, I don't rest you know? And then I feel groggy all day.

In your last letter you mentioned someone coming. Was it a trespasser? Is everything okay? I hope everything's alright.

-Ron


	11. He likes you

Dear Ronald,

Oh I just heard Moody was working there, through the grapevine is all. Don't let him scare you. He's just a big wuss in disguise.

My owl's name is Verborgen. He's fast but he does enjoy sleep sometimes more than convenient. I believe he's taken to eating worms because there isn't the widest selection of things to eat here with me. It's not the best environment for a pet. He likes you I think. I mean he must, he's much keener to travel to Hogwarts than anywhere else I send him. I'm sure Pigwidgeon is nice as well… I'm glad you finally got your owl…

You are not weird. I often sleep like that. Sometimes I honestly think that I'm looking for someone. I'll wake up and think, I've got to get back to bed, so I can find them, like bed's a portkey to the world created within the blurry dreams. But most nights for me are sleepless since I left you.

No trespassers. Not really. Only a confused muggle. Everything is fine. Well… depending on your definition of fine. Ron… I may take a few more days to respond to your next message than I usually do. I'm going to be traveling, and I don't think I'll be able to pen anything down.

I'll be farther from you than ever. It aches the farther I get from you, not just physically but metaphorically, every day I get farther and farther from the person that you are. What's your hair like now? I'm sure you've had a haircut since I saw you last. I bet you're taller too, you always shoot up during the summers… Why am I doing this to myself? I just… I just miss you.

I need to leave for my trip. Good bye, Ronald.

~Scabbers


	12. Completely Normal Pet

Dear Peter,

Verborgen, that's an interesting name. I brought him some bacon this morning. He should eat well while he's here. They get along, yours and my owl. Which is kinda odd, because other owls don't usually like Pig all that much.

You're traveling? Where are you going? What are you doing? Is everything ok? …Your letters keep a little bit of you here with me don't you think? I haven't had a haircut… so it's uh, getting kinda long. I guess I grew a little. Ugh… I miss you too.

You know, you've been telling me you miss me, and that you stayed with my family to be around me, and acting like you care and I don't know if any of that is true, but I'd like to think that it is. And yet I've been trying to separate it from Scabbers, and the way Scabbers and I interacted. Acting as though you don't know the appalling things I said, and pretending I treated my rat like a completely normal pet.

I feel sick these days, I mean nothing is right. But nothing's ever right. Not since I was a kid. Like a little kid I mean. Well, kinda not since I met Harry.

Eh, Harry, I don't know what's wrong with him. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn't go back to sleep and I can here Harry muttering to himself in the common room right? So I go down to see what's going on and he gets mad at me for no reason… Like, I said some nasty things but… he threw a badge at my head… and insinuated I would be pleased if it left a scar.

I want to be angry with him, but I'm not, I just feel numb. Too much is going on in my mind. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna let Verborgen have this and go work on some homework.

-Ron


	13. Odd, Disgusting Even

Dear Ronald,

My sweet, sweet boy. My owl looked quite plump and happy when he gave me your letter. Don't feed him too much though, he'll get slow.

I'm ok, don't you worry. I was just searching for information on something, and getting some ingredients for a potion.

I'm so sorry that you're in bad spirits. You're at such a difficult and complicated age. I don't want you to let Harry push you around, you deserve better. But other than that I can't really think of anything else to say on the subject.

But on the _other _subject… I **_do_** miss you. That's all true. Ronald, if you need to separate us, if you want to make Scabbers and I two different beings, that's ok. I understand. But you seem to want this addressed… The things you said… They were NOT appalling. To you, you are odd, disgusting even, and you would never voice it to anyone. To you, you told a _rat _you were _in love_ with it. But to me, you told me you loved me, and I reveled in it. No one's ever really loved me Ron, and thinking you did… You were my everything, my owner, my friend. I loved you back and I still do. You, just a child, so innocent. I think you saw me, you saw my soul through my eyes, and knew there was so much more to me than a rat. I love you Ron, and I'm so sorry if this is hard for you to read. If this is the last exchange we have, I'll know why and that's alright. I wish you the best, and I do hope I hear from you again.

~Scabbers


	14. What I've Been Thinking

Dear Peter,

I've thought over how to respond to your last letter several times. At first I was shocked, taken aback, maybe a bit shaken. But the truth is, it's been what I've been thinking of from the beginning. If it had been a childish thing, something I had grown out of, I wouldn't have been so embarrassed. It wouldn't have stayed on my mind. I wouldn't have cared what you thought I meant, if I hadn't still cared _what you thought_. I was ashamed of my current self, not my past self. Scabbers was very important to me. He was more to me than a rat. And even after disappearing from my life, he's still been the only one who was truly there for me. I can't believe I'm about to put this down in text… But oh Peter, I love you. I still love you. It's strange yet liberating to finally admit it, not just to you but to myself. I don't want to stop writing. Please don't stop writing. Right now, you're all I have. Part of me is terrified that I've somehow how misunderstood you, or that you're fooling with me to get me to humiliate myself. I've read your letter over again a hundred times plus some old ones looking for clues one way or the other, but haven't been able to pick out anything. I don't really know what else to say. I've got to send this letter immediately. I know I have to send it right now before I have second thoughts… before I change my mind entirely. Talk to you again soon… I love you.

-Ron


	15. A Lonely Witch

Dearest Ronald,

Oh Ron, your latest letter has been the greatest pleasure of my life to read. It means the world to me. I shall keep it until I die. As long as you write to me, I will write to you. I haven't felt this good since I was a young boy at Hogwarts. It feels as though I'm not really where I am, but am right next to you in the Gryffindor common room, pouring my core onto the table like a lonely witch, but being oh so thankfully well received. But I'm not there. I _am_ alone. I miss Hogwarts. I miss the Burrow. I miss the garden… But mostly I miss you. And your warm hands.

You are alright aren't you? I worry sometimes that my letters are causing you stress. Is everything still okay with your classes and such? I don't want to be a distraction. When I was in forth year, I had some problems with A History of Magic. I mean, in addition to my problems with most subjects, but particularly that. I think it had to do with my tendency to look to the future. Well I guess you could call it more of an obsession with the future. It's funny, because now I much prefer to think of the past.

The full moon always reminds me of Hogwarts. It's a full moon this evening. But it'll be waning by the time you read this. The moon is so big and clear over my head but there are no stars. It's like I truly am where the stars refuse to shine. Music refuses to play, and laughs are stifled. You are the only light this place sees.

Have a good day Ronald, I'm thinking of you.

~Scabbers


	16. A Lot Of Stars

Dear Peter,

I miss you being here too. I'm fine, if anything you make life easier. I _need_ a distraction. A History of Magic was always pretty easy for me to understand and everything, it's just kinda' boring so I have to force myself to do homework. I think my toughest class is Potions as far as grades go, but from an actual difficulty stand point, Care of Magical Creatures isn't always a walk in the park. But I'm doing ok. Hermione and I did homework together last night which was a nice change from doing it alone in the owlery.

I remember looking out over the grounds a few nights ago and seeing the full moon. It was big huh? Like particularly huge that night. There's a lot of stars here when ever it's clear. So many that sometimes I feel like they're watching me. Fred and George used to tease me about it. Call me paranoid. It's not like I'm afraid of the stars or something, I just find them a bit eerie sometimes. Especially if I'm lonely. There's something about looking at the sky when you're all alone and you'd rather not be. It gives me a weird feeling.

It's starting to cool down here. Is it maybe warming up there? I don't know what the weather is actually like there, because, well I don't know where you are. Part of me is curious but part of me doesn't really want to know. How are you? I hope you're doing ok.

I'm going to go down to the Great Hall before it's too late to have dinner. I missed lunch today because I floundered around. Talk to you again soon.

-Ron


	17. I Was There

Dear Ronald,

Care Of Magical Creatures was always one of my easier subjects, but my friends and I were pretty good with animals. You're spending time with Hermione but not Harry right? You're starting to get used to him not occupying your time I hope?

Ron, I know Fred and George used to tease you about the stars… I was there. Is this your way of telling me you're lonely? Ugh, I wish I could actually be there for you.

You know I've started to realize it's not actually that cold here. I just have really thin blood from spending so long covered in fur and living in someone's pocket. Plus I think I might just believe I feel cold because I'm alone. Because I was in a new place and wasn't comfortable. You know that odd constant desire to shut an open door… except the door is already closed. But I'm starting to get used to it. I believe if anything it's getting colder here, it is going into winter after all. I'm not _that_ far away.

Hey, this is a bit on the random side, but I was just curious. Have you started tarring your parchment for these letters out of a notebook? I just noticed the pages are smaller and rough at the edge. I guess it doesn't matter, just a thought I had.

I have to go. I should go get some… some work done. Oh, could you do me a favor? Could you make sure Verborgen drinks some water before he comes back? I think he gets dehydrated on his trips. He's very determined. He forgets to drink I reason. I'd really appreciate it. I'll talk to you again soon.

~Scabbers


	18. The Journal

Dear Peter,

No, I'm not spending time with Harry, but why would you hope for me to get used to Harry not being around? I'm mad at him, but I know we'll probably eventually make up. I don't think either of us is that good at holding grudges, and by now I'm really just trying to make a point.

Oh yeah. You were there, I forgot. You were there for most things… No, I am not lonely. I'm fine, I'm fine. But it seems like you are. Is that really why you've been complaining about being cold? I think I know what you're talking about. Like the morning when you find out someone has died. Maybe you only met them a few times, maybe you never met them, but everyone acts just a little bit odd all day… And it's cold, but you don't ever bother to do anything about it.

I _have_ started ripping the pages from a note book. Well it's like a journal. Hermione thinks there's something wrong with me. She keeps trying to get me to tell her what's on my mind... To talk about my feelings. She's been on about it for a while actually, but I hadn't been spending as much time with her, so I was ignoring it. But now she thinks I should write in a journal. I was tired of arguing with her, and she _got_ me the journal, so I would've felt bad for being super ungrateful about it. So now I write the letters in it. It's not suspicious that I wouldn't want people to look over my shoulder, or that I would want to go be alone to write in it, so that's convenient. And now Hermione gets to think I'm putting my feelings in it or whatever…. I guess I kinda am…

I made sure Verborgen had some water when he got here. I think he just doesn't stop on trips. He's unwavering. He gets his job done. He's a good little guy. Listen I'll talk to you again soon, I gotta go.

-Ron


	19. Just Darkness

Dear Ronald,

All I meant was that I didn't want it to be bothering you. And well… Honestly I don't think Harry is very good company to keep. But I suppose it's your life. I can control you no better now than I could as a rat. I just ask you always keep your wits about you.

Ronald, that's a very cute idea, but are you sure it's safe? I mean I understand that you now have an excuse for hiding it from people, but it also gives people a drive to want to look in it. Where do you put it when you're not writing in it? This worries me.

Recently I had this odd dream… I've gone back and forth over whether to tell you this, but who else would I tell? I had this odd dream that I was alone in the forbidden forest. I don't know why but I was terrified. In reality, I would just find my way out. In reality I would have some sense of the way. But in this dream there was no sense of direction. Just darkness. Trees and darkness. And I might've seen a rabbit run by… but at some point I got up, off the ground, I'd been sitting on the ground see, and I walked through a path of trees and when I came to the end where there was a tiny clearing, a tiny you was there. I mean not like a miniature version of you, but like a younger you. With me. You were holding a rat and laughing like you totally weren't in a horrid fun house version of the forbidden forest. And I just watched you play for a while, and then I said your name and you looked up at me with your little innocent eyes, and… you started screaming. You started pointing at me and screaming bloody murder. I don't know why I had it but it admittedly left me a little shaken…

Good bye for now, Ronald, my love. I patiently await your reply.

~Scabbers


	20. Knot In My Stomach

Dear Peter,

Oh yeah, yeah it's safe. First of all you're vastly over estimating people's interest in me. No one cares what I'm doing, or whining about. They're happy to tease but no one actually wants to know. I don't leave the letters in there at all. I write them, then I tear them out and send them. I keep the journal under my pillow at night, just because it seems like something I would logically do, but if someone got their hands on it all they would find is a doodle and some to-do lists. Oh and I guess they might notice the bits and ends from the torn out pages. But I don't think anyone would see that as worth noticing.

Your dream, it _was_ odd. Professor Trelawney says dreams tell us things, and I suppose she means about the future, but Hermione says dreams _do _tell us things, just more like about ourselves. So… Do you doubt me Peter? Is that why you're having dreams like this? You don't have to…

The first task in the Tournament is tomorrow. I kinda have a knot in my stomach about it. I don't know why; I don't know if it's that I'm excited, or nervous, or just anticipating it, or what. I mean everybody acts like it's so dangerous, and I guess I'm just feeling anxious about something bad happening. Not even necessarily to Harry, but just to someone or something. I wanna go to bed, but I don't feel like I can sleep. And I know Harry and Hermione must still be up. Even if they're not still preparing, they probably won't be able to sleep either. Ugh, I should try to sleep. I really should. Good night, Peter.

-Ron


	21. But I Believe

**_-I just wanted to apologize for the lack of updates. I've been ill, and on top of not being able to think, or use the computer without a headache, every time I would think of this story I would feel like I was going to vomit. Some pairings are just so _beautiful_, you can't think about them while you're already nauseous. ;)_**

Dear Ronald,

I think you vastly under estimate people's interest in you, but alright as long as you remove the letters with alacrity and haste, and you are careful then I suppose its fine. If you believe it's safe then I do.

Oh, Ronald. Oh my boy, I will always have doubts. It's not that I doubt you really. Don't feel as though I'm not trusting you. It's myself I have no trust in. To believe that you, such a wonderful young man would care about me at all, seems almost ridiculous. But I _believe_ to the best of my abilities. I believe because I want so badly for it to be true.

How did the first task go? Everyone is alright I hope? And Harry's okay I'm assuming? Not that you would've spoken to him about it but I expect you saw him perform in the tournament? Who are the other people competing in the Tournament might I ask? We never really talked about it because we were focused on Harry and his deceit.

I hope you've been sleeping well since. I'm accustomed to restless sleep but it's still unpleasant.

I'm sorry I have to go sorta quicker than usual today, I have to tend to some things you wouldn't understand. As always, I love you Ronald. Until next time.

~Scabbers


	22. So DRAGONS

Dear Peter,

The first task was Dragons. Each Champion got a dragon and they had to rescue a golden egg from the dragon. There's four Champions, that's the whole big thing, is that there was already a Hogwarts Champion when Harry's name came out of the goblet of fire. Cedric Diggory is the other Hogwarts Champion, Viktor Krum is the Durmstrang Champion, and Fleur Delacour is the Beauxbatons Champion, but the names probably don't mean much to you. I wouldn't really know how to describe them though. I guess you probably know who Krum is and um, Fleur is very pretty… and Cedric is a Hufflepuff…

Anyway, anyway, so DRAGONS. I thought Harry was toast, pun intended. But he summoned his broom and from then on he made it look easy. I mean, we couldn't actually see all the action, but he zoomed all over the place and… yeah, no I take that back; it looked quite difficult. There's not a doubt in my mind that it was quite scary and difficult… That's why I forgave him. Well not so much forgave him as admitted he never did anything wrong in the first place. I mean why would he enter this contest? To be burned alive by Dragons? Oh yes, what an excellent opportunity. To be honest, I think my falling out with Harry really just had to do with my ego and self-esteem. He's always number one, he's always in the spotlight. But Peter, feeling like I was someone's number one, that I was _your_ number one made me realize that it doesn't matter if I'm anyone else's.

Oh Peter, I love you. I'm feeling particularly sunny today. And I have been sleeping much better. Maybe that's why. It's hard to be in a cheery mood when you're exhausted.

I'll tell you quite plainly that after I finish this letter, I'm going to give it to Verborgen and then try to catch some lunch before I head to my next class. But you on the other hand, you sure like being mysterious… I'd be lying if I said I didn't kinda like it.

-Ron


	23. Christmas Is Coming

Dear Ronald,

Dragons? That sounds like an exciting event to watch. And that's so wonderful that you're in a good mood. It really is. I just… I just really hope it lasts. I suppose forgiveness is good. Yeah, it's great, everyone deserves forgiveness. How is Harry then?

That's really sweet kid, I mean I didn't really think I could have that kind of effect on someone. But I'm really pleased, I mean you _are_ something else, and you don't need anybody else to tell you that for it to be true. I love you too.

Getting chilly there yet? It started to snow here just a little bit yesterday. It reminded me that Christmas is coming. Are you going home for the Holidays this year? I wish I could go back to the Burrow for the Holidays. It seems like it wasn't really that long ago. Last Christmas I mean. I guess it just kinda sneaks up on me. My parents used to always say that when I was a kid, '_God it's Christmas again, we just did Christmas._' I never really understood what they meant until more recently. I guess it _has_ been a whole year since I ate turkey out of your lap and Hermione told you it was disgusting to bring me to the table.

Is there anything in particular you were hoping for this Holiday season? I mean there must be something… There's always something. I'm sure you'll get your usual sweater though.

I've gotta be off. I'll talk to you again really really soon okay Ron? I wish you well.

~Scabbers


	24. All I Want For Christmas

Dear Peter,

Harry's ok considering. I'd like to think he's a little better now that we're talking again.

It's getting a little chillier here, but I don't think it'll start to snow until later in December. I'm not going home for the holidays this year because there is this big ball happening on Christmas. The Yule Ball. It's because of The Triwizard Tournament. Harry and I have to find dates and stuff. Well, I don't have to have a date but I don't want to be the only one there without a date. If Harry is going to have a date I have to have a date. And he has to have a date because the champions start the whole thing by having this opening dance. It's weird. It's all weird. I'm mean it sounds like fun, I want to go. I'd rather stay at Hogwarts and go to the Ball than go home and be left out but still, it kinda' freaks me out.

It does seem like it was less than a year ago, and when I think of Christmas I imagine it at home, and yet I haven't actually had a Christmas at home since before I started at Hogwarts. Yes, I think I would like to go home next year for the holidays. And relax, not have to think so hard. It feels like it's been a long time since I just had a relaxing Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas hm? Well I suppose you asked me first… I can't really think of anything. What do I want for Christmas… ?... Honestly, Peter, all I really can think of that I was for Christmas is you.

-Ron


	25. Share The Sentiment

Dear Ronald,

A Ball eh? Do you have anyone in mind to take? Sometimes you're kinda hard to read… You know, there's nothing wrong with going alone Ron. Or, I mean, just going with friends. Harry has to have a date but Hermione doesn't. You should just hang out with her and have a good time. You're putting too much pressure on it.

Time moves faster than I myself am capable. Oh Ronald, that's a very sweet sentiment. I can't think of a single thing I could say that could rival with it. I can't really think of anything I want for Christmas either. At least nothing that's actually possible. I mean there are a million things I want. I could spend an eternity wanting. I could spend hours trying to bend the universe to my will. Allow me to leave here, take me into the past and let me stay there in a time loop forever. Let me undo the things I've done and change the course of history. Give me the strength to stand up for the things I believe in and repel the things I do not. Please let me not be so deep in darkness that my life is a black hole I cannot escape from. Eh while we're at it, why not just make me your age again, I could have a new name and just go to Hogwarts with you. Let all of my past just fall away. But the universe will not bend to yours or my will, and I desire nothing monetary or material. Oh Ronald, I suppose we share the sentiment. All I really want for Christmas is you.

~Scabbers


	26. Turn The World Upside Down

Dear Peter,

Ugh, Hermione already has a date for the Ball, eh, don't even get me started on that. But I'm not taking it too seriously, it's everybody else. This really is just what's expected. I know we, as students create these standards, but they still exist, they are my peers. Don't get me wrong Peter, if I could turn the world upside down and I could somehow take you and it wouldn't be weird then I would. But it's like you said, the universe wont bend to either of us. But it doesn't matter, the Yule Ball is just going to be cruddy, no matter who I go with, it's just all weird. My mum sent me these horrid robes that look like an old woman's night gown. Don't worry about it. I'll just muscle through this stupid thing.

Now Peter, I appreciate the _sentiment_ as you called it, but I think you misinterpreted what I was trying to tell you. I guess I was being self-centered when I assumed you were asking about what I wanted for Christmas in case you would be able to get me something, but Peter, when I said all I want for Christmas is you, I was asking you. I was asking _for _you. I want to see you, like in person. Couldn't we do that? Isn't there some way? Oh, it would be such a gift. I want to see my rat. I miss you so much. There's gotta be a way, hasn't there? Please respond quickly.

-Ron


	27. Happy Christmas

Dear Ronald,

Oh, goodness, I had no idea that was what you meant. You want to _see _me? I just don't know how that would be possible. You certainly can't leave Hogwarts. And if I was spotted on the school grounds, that would be it for me. I'd be done, worse than dead. I want to see you too, believe me I do. I've never wanted anything more in my life than to lay my eyes on your perfection. But Ronald, I just don't think it can happen. I'm very sorry. I really am. I wish we could…

Everything okay otherwise? I both mean other than this, wanting to see me, and also the Yule Ball business. Actually, this probably won't get to you before the 25th, so Happy Christmas my boy. I wish you the cheeriest of holidays. A Happy New year as well! Here's hoping the coming year is better than the last. Although I know better, ha.

Ron, in this envelope I've encased 2 Galleons, as a bit of a Christmas present. I know it's not much, it's just a trifle. But even so I hope you can use the extra pocket money around Hogsmeade or something.

On the evening of the 25th, I'll be staring up at the empty sky, and I'll imagine stars. Millions of stars like the candles on a Christmas tree, and the light they reflect in your little eyes. I hope the Yule Ball isn't too taxing for you. I'll be thinking of you every moment.

Again, Happy Christmas.

~Scabbers


	28. Can't Talk About It

Dear Peter,

Ugh, the ball was dreadful. Harry and I ended up going with these twins, who we didn't really want to go with, they were sorta just a last resort, which I realize, now that I write it out was kinda mean, and obviously they thought so too because they eventually ditched us. And then Hermione and I got into a fight. She went with Viktor Krum, and oh my gosh, I just, eh, I don't even wanna talk about it. I just can't talk about it.

Hey Peter, there's got to be a way. Hasn't there? Could you just keep thinking about it? We could think of something couldn't we? I really want to see you. I'd do anything to get to see you.

Thank you for the money, I don't usually get anything like that. I mean stuff that I can really use… Well I guess I _use_ the sweaters… Actually I guess I _use everything _I get, but you know what I mean. Anyway thanks. It was plenty. In fact I feel a bit guilty, I don't have anything for you. But I hope you had a really good Christmas. I was thinking of you too… It felt kinda unfair. Watching everybody else have fun, and me being expected to have fun too, when I all I really wanted to do is talk to you. And Ugh Hermione, she flaunts that things are changing for her, like she doesn't need me anymore. She's the one who's always acting like she can help me, and to let things out, and that she totally _gets it._ But she's not there for me at all, and she doesn't understand or know any of the things that've been going on for me this year… It was just a frustrating day.

It's around dinner, I'm going to head to the great hall. Happy Holidays. Thanks again.

-Ron


	29. Change Is Inevitable

Dear Ronald,

A fight? Oh dear, how big of a fight? This isn't something that will last like with Harry will it? There's enough drama happening this year without that. I wouldn't really know, I haven't seen Hermione since I saw you last, and you haven't given me any details as to this disagreement, but I think Hermione means well. And she has a right to have had a date and be enjoying her life. You seem to be having a problem this year with being… well, a bit jealous of your friends. But I don't think it's really jealousy. I think jealousy and petty fights are just masking your true feelings. I think you fear change. But Ronald, you're growing up and change is inevitable. You have to prepare yourself, because things are going to change a lot this year. By the time this year is through, things are going to be a lot harder. Enjoy your childhood while it's here, and make good memories with your friends. Alright, I'm done ranting. I'm sorry you had a lousy time.

Ron, I never planned on forgetting the idea of seeing you. I never could've if I tried, but I suppose, yes I'll keep it on my mind, and I'll tell you if I think of something.

Oh you're very welcome, you should never feel guilty about things like that, you're just a boy, adults are supposed to give and expect nothing in return.

I hope things are turning around now that the ball is gone and done with. I want to receive more "_particularly sunny" _letters. Still on a break from classes, right? Are you enjoying yourself? You should relax.

I've got to go, can't wait to hear from you again.

~Scabbers


	30. One Day At Home

Dear Peter,

I think that was a bit over stepping. I mean analyzing my fights with my friends… I'm certainly not jealous of Hermione. But, well… maybe I do fear change. But not everything _has _to change. And 5th year isn't going to be so hard as you make it out to be, I mean I guess every year of Hogwarts is harder than the last, otherwise, how would you learn?

Anyhow, Hermione and I made up like right after. Arguing made _the ball _suck, but it wasn't that big of a deal.

I guess you can consider this letter a bit more sunny than the last. Classes start up again tomorrow but I had an ok break. I actually think I'm glad to go back to class. I kinda just want to get back into a routine that feels somewhat normal.

Don't take this the wrong way, I mean I'm only saying this to you because I know you can't tell anyone I know that I said this, but I kinda miss my mum. One day at home would be nice. A home cooked meal and a chat with my mum. Yeah, I'd like that. But I don't really spend that much time with my mum in the first place, well I mean _you_ know. So many kids, we all spend time with her, but all at the same time most days so none of us really spend time with her you know? I'm gonna talk to her when I get home for the summer.

Um, Verborgen has either decided I'm done with this letter, or honestly thinks my head is a totally good place to sit… So I'm gonna give this to him. I'll talk to you again soon huh? I love you.

-Ron


	31. Make Her Day

Dear Ronald,

I'm sorry if I crossed a line. I just care so much about you, and I want you to be happy and also, prepared for the big scary world ahead of you. I wasn't… I wasn't prepared when I was your age.

Let's just leave that subject behind eh? Glad to hear you're in a bit of a better mood. I wish I had a routine that I could even pretend is somewhat normal.

Hey Ron, if you want to talk to your mum, you know you could just send her a letter? I mean you could just drop the poor woman a line. Gosh I bet she misses all of you, none of her kids came home for Christmas right? I bet she would really love to get a message from you. Especially one that was for no reason and had no bad news or anyone asking for anything. It would probably make her day.

Oh Verborgen, what a pushy little critter. I mean he's always very insistent and eager with me, but you'd think he'd want to stay there where it's warm and there's food. He really likes you. I can tell.

So, just out of curiosity, when is the next task? I assume Harry is already preparing. After how difficult the first task was he probably doesn't want to skip a beat. This tournament is meant to keep you on your toes. Keep me posted on everything. I'll send Verborgen back to you where I'm sure it's more interesting for him. :) Have a good day, my sweet boy.

~Scabbers


	32. A Weird Day

Dear Peter,

Are you kidding? Send my mum a letter? What am I going to say? _Oh Mummy, I miss you, so I'm just writing you for no particular reason…_ Yeah right, what am I? A first year? And, oh god, if Fred and George got wind of it, I would never hear the end of it. And I mean never. We'd be at my wedding reception or something and they'd still be teasing me about it.

The next task is in February. Harry has this clue, it's a golden egg that he rescued from the dragon. When it's opened, it screeches really horribly, so I don't think he's figured out what that means yet.

Speaking of Harry though, something really awkward happened this morning. I came up to the owlery hoping Verborgen would be here, and he was. He was sleeping when I first saw him so I think he got here last night, but anyway, I was feeding him and Pigwigeon. I'd brought bits of chicken up from the great hall, and well… I was talking to them. I mean I often say hello to them when I come up, and such things, but well, I was being rather obnoxious about it this morning. Sorta baby talking to them and feeding and asking them how they were doing. Usually no one is in there that early; that's why I went then… but I guess Harry had the same idea because he needed to send something with Hedwig, and long story short I was very embarrassed. I went and gave Hedwig some chicken too before he sent her out just to offset that it seemed like I was feeding some random owl from the owlry. Doesn't really change that he probably thinks I'm odd though. I don't think he ever talks to Hedwig like that.

It's been a weird day. How are you? What's going on with you? Is everything ok? I never really know if you're safe or taking care of yourself. You give me so little to go on. I wish I could see you. Just to a have point of reference that you were ok then, so you probably are now. Even if that's rarely how it works. I've got to go. I miss you.

-Ron


	33. Fun Little Project

Dear Ronald,

You should all write her a letter, you and the twins and Ginny, together. That would be so sweet. You could give her that point of reference you were talking about._ They were alright when they wrote that letter so…_ I'm sure she worries. That whole thing about Hogwarts being so particularly safe, it's hogwash, you know it, I know it, and your mum knows it. Besides, it could be a fun little project. I mean you four don't do much together anymore. I just think it would be nice.

Oh my goodness, I'm having trouble even focusing on the subject at hand because I can't stop picturing you talking to and feeding Verborgen and Pigwigeon. You are so cute. That's just the darlingest thing. But, oh, oh dear, _does_ Harry think Verborgen is just a random owl in the owlry? That would be the best thing. A shame, it would be, if he started getting suspicious. I highly doubt that the truth is the first conclusion he would jump to, but you don't need him wondering all the same. And neither does he. He has so many other things to worry about, what with the tournament and the rest of his _life_ and all. Best for everyone if he thinks nothing of it.

I'm fine. I mean that to say, I'm the same as I always am. There is nothing particularly interesting happening here or to me. It's so sweet of you to be concerned. But you don't need to be worrying about me. You have enough to worry about. I know you want to see me, I want to see you too. But consider this your point of reference. I am fine.

~Scabbers


	34. Taken Me Awhile

Dear Peter,

Sorry it's taken me awhile to write back. I haven't really had time to slip away during the day lately, and nights I've been falling asleep far too easily. I was going to write the day before yesterday, and then Hermione had thought we were going to do homework together, and I ended up going to the library with her, even though I'd finished my assignments, because I wanted her to check my work.

Anyway, you are continuing to joke aren't you? The four of us? Write a letter to my mother? Together? A fun little family project? Are you kidding? You act as though you never even spent a day with the Weasley family. I mean yeah, we do stuff together as a family at home, because our parents tell us to or because we're bored like when we'd play Quidditch, but when we're at school it's a whole different story. I mean, even Ginny would laugh if I suggested this.

And about the owls, it's not funny! I was embarrassed enough as it is without you calling me cute and enjoying it so much. But no Harry has too many things on his mind to even think about it. Although with everything that's been happening with us this year he probably thinks I'm slowly going mad. That's actually not that improbable. In fact, I might be. I am writing back and forth with a rat. ;)

As for that point of reference, that's no reference at all. I'm supposed to just believe that you're fine? You could have no legs and this way I would never know. I mean how do I really know that it's even you writing these letters? It could be anyone! I think that to prove it to me, you're going to have to come and tell me that it's really all been you. That you really are the little rat I loved for so many years. Without that proof, I don't know what I'll do, so I'll just wait ever so patiently for your reply. Good Bye.

-Ron


	35. Please Stop

Dear Ronald,

I could feel your smirk burning through your last letter, you cheeky little brat. You need proof to continue writing as much as I need a pet cat to keep me company. Your facetious trickery does not change our situation. I told you I wouldn't forget it and I haven't. Every day, seeing you, is on my mind. Please stop this, I beg you. Every time you mention it, I'm reminded of how much I want what I can't have. Every time you express how much you want it, I feel like I've failed you. Like, I'm betraying you even. Not being able to give you something that should be so easy. Men would kill to have someone who cares and wants nothing from them, but exactly _them_, and I can't even provide this very simplest of things. I'm sorry. I wish I could show you how sorry I am. It kills me. I know it's difficult but please could you refrain from asking for it, unless perhaps you have an idea? I promise I don't forget. I will most certainly tell you if I think of something my love. I will.

You mentioned the possibility of being mad, and I don't know about you but I certainly am mad. I went over the edge long ago. But we're all a bit crazy aren't we? We go to school to learn magic, form secret organizations and our way of life is being threatened by an Evil Wizard trying to take over the world. I don't know why anyone would want it, this _world _is mental. Nothing is right anymore. We may as well have all gone mad. Who of us has known a time of ordinary?

Ah, I miss you. I miss the burrow. I miss your mum, and you dad, and your brothers and your sister. I miss the few short years that everything was okay. Not perfect. Not even normal. But okay… It was okay, for what it was.

I miss you Ronald, I'll talk to you again soon.

~Scabbers


	36. So Much Homework

Dear Peter,

I'm so sorry. I had no idea my frequent pestering would hurt you. I only mean to say that I want to see you because I care. Because I miss you too. I miss you so much. I know you can't come see me. I know things aren't the way they were before and they never will be again. That is not your fault. You do not need to feel guilty. I don't blame you for this. I don't blame you for any of this. There is so much going on in this world, far beyond our control. Forgive me.

I'm going to make this letter short. I'm sorry, I just have so much homework. It's not that any one teacher over assigned, they just all kinda came at once. I'm hoping Hermione will help me on my essay about the difference between transfiguration and animagi. I, of course _know _the difference, and also that it is a bit of a trick question, since the change from human to animal is always one form or another of transfiguration, but I have a harder time then her, putting my thoughts to paper, and also having it be long enough. I feel like there is a pretty precise and simple answer to most things. Well not most _things_, but most things we get assigned as essay topics, it just feels like I could answer it clearly and concisely in a couple of sentences. What do I need 5 pages for?

Aha, well I guess this letter ended up being not all that much shorter than usual huh? I shouldn't have gone on about my essay. Talk to you soon.

-Ron


	37. It Was Blood

Dear Ronald,

Oh no, no you don't have to apologize, don't even think on it. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. Well let's just talk of other things.

Interesting essay topic. I suppose it was specifically meant to be the difference between a witch or wizard temporarily turning themselves or someone else into an animal, and officially being an animagus and being able to turn oneself into an animal at will. I hope your assignments have mellowed back into a normal rate. What else are you doing in school?

I had another dream about you last night. Might have been a bit older… I think. You were here. You were here with me, sharing my struggles. It was a bit of a nightmare really. The last thing I could possibly want for you is to be a part of the world I have to live in. There was this red stuff on my hands and we were arguing. You kept saying it was blood, and I kept trying to convince you it was pumpkin juice… I don't know why. Can't remember the last time I had a dream that made sense… Well, that's not true, I frequently have dreams where I just do things that I did that day over again in my dream. But I definitely can't remember the last time I had a nice dream. A dream that didn't make me feel as sick as the rest of my life feels.

You know, getting letters from you really is the highlight of my week. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Thank you so much for continuing to write. I've got to go.

~Scabbers


	38. Turn Into Tea Cups

Dear Peter,

Yeah, the topic was specifically about animals. Because I think it's pretty clear what the difference is between turning something into a teacup and being an animagus . Unless people could turn in to teacups at will. Actually, that'd be kinda cool. Oh no, someone is coming, I have to hide quick. Oh I know, I'll just turn into a harmless teacup. I'll hide right in plain sight. No one will notice me!

Anyway, not much else is going on as far as classes go, you had just caught me at a heavy week when I wrote my last letter. We're learning about antidotes to uncommon poisons in potions, and I normally don't like potions, (I mean, how could I? It's taught by Professor Snape) but we're doing a lot of this unit by homework, and I actually find it kinda interesting…

That was sorta a scary dream Peter… I don't usually have such detailed dreams like that, but sometimes I go to bed with my socks on, and then they annoy me, so half asleep, I pull them off and roll them in a ball. I find them in my bed later and sometimes… for a second, or even for a while, practically dreaming… I think it's you. It makes me feel weird sometimes when I wake up, I mean not like necessarily sad, because our situation is what it is, but strange and empty. Sometimes I think it takes me longer to wake up, just because I don't want admit to myself that you're not really here.

I've gotta go. I hope you don't have any more nightmares… I love you.

-Ron


	39. An Actual Tea Cup?

Dear Ronald,

Oh my goodness, that would be an interesting wand-less trick! Except… Well, there are many magical animals, and animals are very smart, but I'm afraid a tea cup has no brain. Would you become an actual tea cup? Or just look like one, because if you became like an actual tea cup, I don't know if you'd be able to turn yourself back, because you wouldn't be able to think it. But then that depends on if you think thought is a brain or soul type of thing, I mean if your body became a tea cup, would your soul still be inside of it? And would you have consciousness? Oh I've turned a joke into something even more silly, eh, just leave it, don't ever think on it.

Sometimes I forget too Ron… In the moments in the morning before I remember where I am, sometimes I forget, and tangled in my blanket, I think I'm still in your pocket. Oh and I know that game far too well. The longer I sleep… Force myself to sleep… _Pretend _to be asleep… The longer I don't have to get up and face the day. When I do get up, I'm rarely ever truly ready. But that may be because I'm always tired, I rarely get much sleep.

Oh Ron, that's sweet of you to say, but they will never stop. I will always have nightmares as long as you and I are away from each other. I love you too. Oh so dearly, do I love you.

~Scabbers


	40. The Next Task

**_Hi. So I'm not one to make a lot of author's notes, but I thought now would be a good time to thank everyone for coming along on this with me, because I just noticed I got to over 100 reviews. So thank you very much. _**

Dear Peter,

Ah shoot, there go my dreams of being a tea cup! Darn, no brain. That would be awful… Then again, it might not be that different from the way I am now huh? No, I don't want to leave it, that's an interesting idea. If you put your soul in a tea cup (if that were even possible) would the tea cup have consciousness? And would it be your consciousness or the tea cup's consciousness? And if it became the tea cup's soul, would you exist beyond the tea cup? Can one exist without a soul? Ok, ok, you're right, it's getting silly.

So, um, the next task is coming. You did tell me to keep you posted right? Harry needs to figure out how to breathe underwater for an hour for it. I hope it's not too dangerous. I really don't like this tournament. I mean I was excited for it when it began. It was legend and adventure, and a big distraction from school, but God… We have enough adventure in our lives don't you think? I guess I'm just tired of being on edge you know?

I mean it's all so stupid, why can't this all just be over? It makes my stomach churn. I haven't been able to focus today in class, I found myself making all these weird faces, just to try to get myself to read something out of a book. Ugh, it's weird, like sometimes, I feel like I'm going to vomit or I suddenly just feel like I can't breathe or like I'm having to work extra hard to move air in and out of my lungs. I've kinda been having that last one all day today. Oh and I have the worst back ache, bit of a head ache too.

Shoot… Oh for God sakes, I'm going to need to refill my ink pot. Eh, not worth it right now, I'll talk to you again soon.

-Ron


	41. Just Calm Down

Dear Ronald,

Just calm down. Would it help if I turned you into a tea cup? After all brainless creature can't get upset. See there, you've had an upset, you have a brain. Don't go saying things like that, insinuating that you're stupid. You are very intelligent. You know you are, not all smarts are like Hermione's trivial facts.

Oh gosh, I'm off topic, anyway, what was my point? Oh yes, calm down. Really, stay calm, you're just having an anxiety attack. Everything is okay. Relax. You're just getting caught up in it all. It's not _your _problem. Have you been getting enough sleep? Deep breath. Don't get so worked up. It's not good for your health. It makes me worry about you.

I did want you to keep me posted. So, he has to breathe under water huh? Why? What challenge could that possibly be for? I assume it's something that would involve swimming. Do you know if Harry is an adept swimmer? Perhaps he should practice. Oh dear, and it's coming up? It's February. If it's out doors it could be very cold. Is he prepared for that? Do you know?

I wish I could help, but I can't think of anything off hand that would help him breathe underwater. At least nothing he is capable of or could get his hands on. But I'm sure he'll figure something out. I'm sure _someone_ will help him.

I hope you start to feel better. Like I said, relax, it's not your problem. Talk you soon.


	42. It Is My Problem

Dear Peter,

That's just it though! It is my problem! I mean, yeah maybe I am having an anxiety attack but for good reason. I mean I would never tell them, but God I worry. I'm worried Peter, I can't help it. Sometimes I'm sick with worry. It literally makes me sick. Harry could die in any of these stupid challenges, or worse, be seriously injured. And there's 3 other people in the tournament, and it's not like I'm close with any one of them, but I don't want them to get hurt either, because I don't want anybody to get hurt. And then Hermione, she's hanging out with that Viktor Krum all the time, and I know it's irrational but he is older than her, and I worry about that and what's going on when Harry or I am not with her, and I'm worried about Sirius and where he is, and I'm worried about you, so worried about you my little rat, and wondering constantly if you're okay.

And I'm hiding these letters from my friends, and I can't help but worry about they're reaction if they found one or, oh god if one of my siblings saw one. It's not like I just leave them lying around, but even though I'm very safe about it, my stomach flips anytime anyone says they want to talk to me about something, or says they found something, or asks what's on my mind, or what I've been up to.

I mean it's not like this every day. If I said to you in the past I was happy about something, then I was, but it's always in the back of mind and sometimes it all screams up and makes me pay attention to all the details at once. And I know you have a very difficult life. I don't know anything about it, but I know you have a lot to worry about, and it may seem to you like I don't even know stress. But a lot has happened in my life, for a 14 year old, and I think I have the right to have an anxiety attack once in a while…

I can't believe I just wrote all that out… I guess I just feel comfortable telling you things. Probably because you don't seem as judgmental as even my closest friends. Or maybe it's just cause I love you… I'm sorry if this came off as ranty… I'm sorry... I wasn't angry or anything, I just wanted to say all that… Um, gotta go.

-Ron


End file.
